at least when you were in jail your family would buy me presents and pretend it was from you; now you are out and you can’t even call to say Happy birthday. One day you are going to die and I won’t even be at your funeral. I won’t even leave flowers at your grave. I won’t even cry, because I wasted too many tears while you are still alive.

And I woke up, I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth. I woke up and felt like I’d been hit by a double decker bus and then again by a huge diesel truck. I woke up feeling bitter, hopeless. I woke up in the most vulnerable state of mind. I woke up with fear, and that fear was the scariest thought on earth. That fear I woke up with was a monster under my bed… or more like in my head. I woke up and opened my eyes to realize that I was in love. I was in love and in life everything is so temporary. I woke up with the thought that you are here one day and the next you could be gone. I woke up with anxiety and all these bad nasty thoughts of how you could leave me. I woke up knowing you would never leave me. I woke up with security that you are safely beside me every night and morning. That no matter how far we are during the day you always come back and are still closer than anything. I woke up with the thoughts of how and every which way I could leave you. I woke up knowing I’d never want to. I woke up. I woke up. I woke up.

I woke up and I was in love. I woke up and we are in love. I woke up and I am in love. I woke up today and maybe I will wake up tomorrow. Tomorrow is never certain but what is certain is that I love you and even if I don’t wake tomorrow I still will love you and even if you don’t wake tomorrow I will still love you. Loving you is certain. I have never been certain about anything before but you. You I am certain of. 

All my life I have wished for a lot of things but they never came true until the day I wished for you. Now here I am beside you everyday and sometimes I don’t even realize how lucky that makes me until you are gone: at work, in class, doing something with a friend. It’s not till then that it hits me. You are the greatest thing I wished for and I have you. That makes me the luckiest person in the world.

How silly of you to think that I can only be in love with one person; I am in love with the world.

And now I have learned what I never knew before that you made my life beautiful, and without you it’s just a bore. How I wish, how I wish you were here.

letterstoaliyahrose:

Aliyah, this was probably around the last times that I saw you. I was living with your adoptive aunt Karla for a bit because mother lost her job and we couldn’t afford hotels anymore. You were around a year old and I only hadn’t seen you then for a few months . I used to hold you all the time… you would cry and I would quickly pick you up and rock you to sleep and sing to you ’ All my life by Kc& jojo’ I can’t sing and somehow I knew that you understood that my singing was horrible because you would stop crying and laugh at me. It was precious, your laugh was. It was my favorite lullaby and would calm me down. I think you did more for me than what I had done for you. Your sister and you were the reasons I kept food on the table when mother went missing. It was typical for her to go out and be pass out drunk in her car for days and with that I took over the role of cooking and being a mother. I was only thirteen years old and didn’t know what the hell I was doing but man did I do it. It’s a shame that the last time I held you, the last time you were small enough to be held you cried, you looked at me like I was a stranger and cried. It made me cry too because I knew, I knew that I was no longer the reason you smiled anymore. I knew that I no longer knew how to and that killed me. It killed me so much. It still haunts me; years later and I still think about how you didn’t know me and will not know who I am for a while. Till you are old enough to understand says your new family. Honestly, I don’t think anyone will ever be old enough to understand

.

letterstoaliyahrose:

Some days are harder than others and with your birthday coming up in April which is just around the corner it’s even harder than most. I remember this time 7 years ago mother was pregnant with you and she was a week and a half till you were due. I remember her pregnant belly and the way you could see your tiny feet when you would kick. I remember her constant snicker bar cravings , I remember everything. 

 I know it’s going to be hard for you to understand the reason why you aren’t with us. I mean the rest of your siblings and I are healthy, mom wasn’t hooked on drugs like most peoples parents are that end up giving up their child but it doesn’t mean it wasn’t for the best. Mother was an alcoholic back then, she injured herself and did in fact die a few times in the hospital because of it. I am sure that’s not the only reason she couldn’t take care of you but just one of the many. I grew up hard, Aliyah. I grew up fast, I didn’t get the childhood that you have now because of mother’s ways. Thankfully she knew what we all knew, you are special. A bright one, you always were. Even in her womb we just knew you were smart, and beautiful which you needed a break. You didn’t need to grow up the way we did. No, you are too special to grow up the way we did. I seen things that no kid should have saw or heard.

It was rough my little sweet pea and I didn’t understand the day your sister adoptive sister Evelyn came and put you in that car. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew I had to kiss and hold you extra before you left. It was a feeling that I wasn’t going to see you much again. So here is my first entry and with every entry to follow I will enlist a memory till the day I am back in your life. It’s not much, but I swear you are the reason I am still alive.

love, 

Your big sister.

In a instant while in the car which kasch is crazily driving I felt like
this could always have been my life if only I knew the boy who held my
heart was in a place where it is always cold yet always beautiful. This
must be what infinite feels like because I surly can not stop smiling. If I
knew then what I know now I would have ran away to this beautiful place
years ago escaping all my demons before they became a part of who I am. But
at last I am saved. With this cute boy with a smile that lights up my heart
like the torch at the Olympics in this cold beautiful place, I am saved,
my demons have left.

Getting to the bottom of the ice cream carton only to throw it all up reminds me of the time I swallowed a bottle of pills.

I think if I ever committed I would have Johnny Cash on repeat and leave a note saying “My teas gone cold” 

Opiates is like truth serum for me.

I was the only one ever there for you and you treat me like shit. Blocked me, never talk to me again like a ignorant prick. It’s okay though, I still know your greatest secrets…. don’t worry I still won’t let them slip.

(Source: didyouhearmekitten)

Lior turned out to be the devil, he fed on my fears to keep himself alive.
I was turning into waste till someone handed me a stone of power, and I
told Lior I had to drown him to take back my strength.

I met a man named Lior in the mist of the fog. He broke my heart everytime
the sun turned his brown eyes honey.